Criticism

I suck at taking criticism.  I always take it waaaaaaay too far.  I extrapolate it out and let it undermine my fragile sense of self-worth.  It's pretty exhausting.

Podcast Obsessed

Ever since my husband introduced me to podcasts, I've become more and more obsessed with a variety of podcasts. I'm gonna give a run down of my favorite podcasts here for your enjoyment.

Sorry Not Sorry with Jenna Kim Jones

Jenna Kim Jones is a Comedian in Los Angeles, California, and hosts a bi-weekly hour long podcast with her husband, Allan Moss, also called "Hashtag Al". Her podcast releases Wednesdays and Fridays and includes fun segments such as "Foodie Call", "Today's Win", "Dear Jenna", and "Hopes and Dreams". Jenna and Al are Mormon and just had their first baby earlier this year. They're such a sweet, down to earth family, you can't help but love them.  Each podcast begins with some light hearted banter between the two and makes you feel like you're just hanging out with a couple of your best friends.

Alison Rosen is Your New Best Friend

Alison Rosen hosts 2 weekly shows; a Monday show and a Thursday show all from "Dining Room Studios" in her home in Los Angeles. Her Monday shows feature a new celebrity guest every week and her Thursday shows include Alison's husband Daniel Quantz, Jenna Kim Jones, Allan Moss, (of Sorry not Sorry) and Greg Heller. The Thursday shows are the highlight of my podcast week as this show includes so many fun segments such as "TV time", "Snack Chat", "Just me or everyone?", and live readings from each of the guests' young adult journals. This podcast is the primary reason I'll be snickering, or laughing out loud to myself at work.

NPR Politics Podcast

I started listening to the NPR Politics Podcast during the primaries of this election year. I did not care much about politics before I started listening to this podcast, but now I feel a lot more informed and engaged in our political process. The Podcast crew consists of Sam Sanders, Tamara Keith, Scott Detrow, and Domenico Montanaro, all politics reporters for NPR. They bring you the inside scoop even if you missed the debates, or the news. They also bring the right amount of humor to the podcast to keep you engaged. Lately they've been answering Listener Mail, covering the big news highlights, and providing "Weekly Roundups" of the news every Friday.

The Cracked Podcast

My husband introduced me to the Cracked Podcast when we first started dating and I really liked the variety of topics, the research put into each episode and the splash of humor mixed in. The Cracked Podcast is hosted by Jack O'Brien, Editor and Chief of the Cracked Website, and includes guest writers on the podcast who share their research related to the Podcast's topic of the day. My favorite episodes feature Jason Parjn, who writes as David Wong.  Recently the format of this podcast has shifted to include more "live broadcasts" in front of an audience and include a panel and comedians and writers. I find the ratio of bullshit to interesting things in the live broadcast episodes leans heavily towards the bullshit end of the spectrum and I quickly turn off those episodes.

The Sporkful

The newest addition to my Podcast playlist. As the Podcast itself explains, "it's not for foodies, its for eaters". The podcast talks about food to learn more about people. Lets face it, there is one thing that we all have in common, and that is that we all eat. So what better way to connect than discussions surrounding foods from many different cultures and our own experiences with new foods. This podcast covers a variety of topics and has recently done a few series addressing the relationships between food and race, such as the "Other people's food" series and the "Who is this Restaurant For?" series. I would suggest anyone who eats to give this podcast a listen.

Dat Mom Strength, Tho

When you become a mother, your life changes.  That's obvious.  What I didn't expect was the strength I'd gain as a result of being a mom.  Moms are SUPER strong.  I realized this phenomenon about 20 weeks into my pregnancy when I held my little nephew (friend nephew) for the first time in a while and he was HEAVY.  His mom was carting him around like it was NBD.  I was like, "What?!  I'm going to have to start lifting weights!"

False- you don't have to lift weights.  Carrying a baby around is *child's play* compared to the kind of strength I later found out you need to be a mom.

The morning after I gave birth to my gorgeous, healthy, apgar-score of 9.5 baby girl, I learned that a pregnant woman I had recently befriended and was due the same week I was... had lost her baby.  Suddenly, my bliss was shattered in heartbreak for this woman.  I couldn't help but look at my shockingly blessed life and wonder "what gives me the right?"  I was wracked with guilt and began living my life in a state of paranoia - "Will I lose my baby?"  Following some postpartum scary health symptoms of my own, I began to wonder, "Will my baby lose me?" "If my baby or I fall asleep tonight, will we wake up?"

Cue something approaching a mental break - something approaching an existential crisis.  Scratch that.  I just Google'd it, and it was an actual existential crisis.  Death was constantly on my mind.  The truth or myth of an afterlife was something I meditated on daily.  The very existence or purpose of my life was called into question.  What is life?  What is death?  Who is God?  If I die tonight, will I go to heaven? If my baby dies tonight, what will happen to her... or to me?

I mean, it got to the point that I was having full-blown panic attacks.  Literally.  My doctor sent me to a psychiatrist.

At this point, I feel like the Holy Spirit came to me and said, "Do you have faith?" and I said, "Do I?"
In Sunday School I learned that faith is putting your belief and trust into something that you can't prove.  I put faith into things all the time - I have faith that if I get on the train in the morning, it will get me to my office *mostly* unharmed.  There are a ton of examples, but the most important implementation of faith is ... saving faith.  Do I have the kind of faith that will get me into heaven if I die in my sleep tonight?

To that, Holy Spirit said "Do you know me?"  I said "yes?" And then He said "Let me take care of your life."

And then I realized that God is good.  All the time.  God is good when he blesses me with a loving family and a beautiful child, and He's still good even if they are taken from me.  There are things in my life I simply cannot control - whether I live or die, whether my child lives or dies.  I must have faith that God is good no matter the path my life takes, and that He is worthy to be in charge.

And that is how I started being able to go to sleep at night.

So yeah, anyway - I can also do actual push ups for the first time in my life, too.

I'm a Preg - This Is Real Life.

Yesterday marked the start of week 17 in my 40(ish) week journey toward becoming a mother. I'm a little disgusted with myself that it took me this long to put pen to digital paper to document my experience becoming a first time mom, but here we are.

Everyone asks me how I'm feeling, so I'll tell you - I'm feeling great.  I am eating whatever I want to, I'm off cat box duty for the next several months, and I'm growing the cutest little bulge where my abs used to be.

It's taken some getting used to: the idea that I'm going to be someone's mom.  I'm not used to it yet.  It's really one of these things that you just need to take one day at a time.

It's actually quite shocking how much I already care for the 5-inch life inside me.  I can't feel it yet, but after seeing his/her picture at the doctor's two weeks ago.. and it looking astonishingly.. human.. made it so much more real for me.

The other morning I woke up in tears because I had a nightmare that my stomach had received trauma and I started bleeding.  I rolled over to my husb and told him that I was scared.  I'm scared of how much I already love this baby.  What if something happens to it?  I'll be destroyed!  He said that I shouldn't think of what could go wrong.  I should focus on the happiness.

That made a lot of sense because I'm not afraid of loving my husband, but if something were to happen to him I would also be destroyed.  I said that the difference is that I'm in charge of keeping the baby alive and safe and that it feels very daunting.  He said that while I'm taking care of the baby he'll take care of me.  We're a team and we'll take care of each other.

I thought that was really beautiful, and I'm very grateful to God that I was given such a wonderful husband.

I've been blessed with so many people who love me.  Here are just a few examples off the top of my head:

My husband's cousin who lives in DC sent me a big box (bulging!) of maternity clothes in my size that she sourced from her network of friends.

My aunt in Canada sent me a lovely little IM on Facebook congratulating me.

My father-in-law is about giddy to have a grand-baby on the way.  He keeps texting.

My mom nearly bought a stockpile of care bears for the unborn.

One of my best friends sent me her Pinterest board of ideas she's already sourced for my baby shower.

The whole thing is overwhelming.  Look - There is a lot of ground to cover here, and I don't have time to get to it all now.

How about we talk later?

OK - glad that works for you.  Talk to you next week!

New Chapter in Life

Life is kinda funny how things work out sometimes. Its just so crazy how one month can be the worst month in your entire life and then within a matter of 30 days, you're entire life is different than what you were anticipating. 2015 has rocked my world and flipped it upside down from what I was anticipating. As I'm an accountant, I had a really hard time getting excited for the holidays and Christmas season because I knew what was waiting for me just on the other side of New Year's: Busy Season. Busy Season 2014 was by far the most challenging and physically, psychologically, and emotionally demanding season of my life. I worked with a large team on a large Public Company and we had a TON of testwork to get through on a very tight deadline. While I was inexperienced and naive going through all of Busy Season 2014, I was far more unprepared for what Busy Season 2015 would bring. 

With the first week of January came knowledge that I could no longer continue working with my large public company team. This meant that my Busy Season would look nothing like last year and I had no idea what to anticipate. The need to switch companies became apparent as well with my future happiness and success hanging in the balance. A fresh start was necessary and I picked up my job hunt with a brand new sense of urgency and vigor. 

With the second week of January came a brand new challenge which would test my commitment to my current employer versus potential future employers. I was placed in the "In-Charge" position of my very first audit. As this audit was a subsidiary reporting to another branch of our company who is auditing the parent company, this role and responsibility is within my capabilities, but it would stretch me and force me to take ownership of the entire process. 

Up until this point, I had been operating in a strictly "Do as you're told" world. In my new job, there was no one telling me what to do and in several cases there was no prior year documentation to leverage or the prior year documentation was insufficient. I had managed an "Agreed Upon Procedures" engagement before, but an audit is an entirely different beast. I called upon my Dad for some advice because the size of the responsibility was paralyzing and I didn't know where to begin. The best advice was to simply get organized and make a rough timeline for myself. I started by listing out all the areas to test and what procedures would be appropriate. From there I could see what I needed to discuss with my manager, what I could work on myself, and what could wait for a later date. This list was my map and guide for the next 5 weeks. 

At the same time, I was corresponding with three different companies who wanted to interview me. The fact that I was the sole individual working on my engagement made it easy to slip away for a few hours for three interviews which came one after the other in quick succession. After the interviews, all I could do was think over which company would be the best for my future, my advancement, and which job would make me happy. 

The third week of January brought a new and unforeseen challenge. In the midst of my turmoil of managing my very first audit and corresponding with three potential employers, came a diagnosis from the doctor that was embarrassing, painful, and pulled into question my worth as a girlfriend,  future wife, and potential mother. I am so blessed to have a boyfriend who loves me and assured me that nothing between us had changed and that he would still love me and plans to spend his life with me. He has been my rock through this entire ordeal. He never stopped loving me even though my entire life was flipped into turmoil. I had contemplated finding a psychologist or therapist during this time as I felt so depressed and worthless. I feared falling into a spiral of angst and unhappiness. 

As God always provides, around this time a few other auditors joined the team and distracted me from my stupor and reminded me that there is a bright future still on the horizon. They probably don't know how much their presence alone kept me from losing my mind. 

The following week was full of hope, disappointment, and unrecognizable joy as I heard back from the companies that I had interviewed with. One offer came through and stood out as the best option for my future, and career. This opportunity was my answer that I had been praying for and that all my friends and family had been praying for. I was overjoyed to see that this new position would offer me better pay, a larger bonus, and most importantly: a fresh start. 

What followed was a mix of logistics and learning how to quit a job in the real world. I put in my 2 weeks notice and did my best to keep quiet the fact that I was leaving, but the gossip mills are always at work and many people knew that I was leaving before I told anyone. My last day with my former company was 2/20/2015 and I bid farewell to all the friends that I had made over the past couple years. I will miss them and they are the only reason I will miss my former employer. 

And so begins my week of "Funemployment" before I start my new job this Friday. While this year looks entirely different than how I would've predicted, I am so excited to begin a new chapter, full of fresh faces and new challenges. I firmly believe that it's the challenges that we overcome that make us stronger and more worth while people. 

What I've learned about myself, life, love, and relationships post break up

My life is completely changing this year. I am graduating from college, starting my full time career, and moving out of the house. 2013 for me, started with the ending of my nearly 6 year relationship with my high school sweet heart. While I was sad and lonely at first, I quickly discovered how fun it can be to be 22, hot, and single. I went through a 2 to 3 month phase of being single and loving it: getting phone numbers, going on dates, accepting drinks, dancing with and kissing strangers. I even revisited my ex bf from before my 6 year relationship. However, I managed to gain some insight as to what I want out of life and how to be happy. As an individual, I've changed in so many ways, that I wouldn't recognize myself from a year ago. Some lessons I learned:

Your parents don't always understand you or know what is best for you

As soon as I became single, there was no shortage of advice from all sources. Even facebook started putting Match.com ads in my newsfeed. I felt like it was a time for me to explore many different parts of life that I'd never had the opportunity to explore before. I had a chance to redefine who I am and what I want out of life and a potential partner. My mother also had a chance to push her idea of what she wants in my potential partner. The guy I have been seeing on the regular did not fit her ideas, nor did the dynamics of our relationship. She was not shy about letting me know her opinion every second of every day.
This is when I decided that I was not going to live my life to make her happy anymore. Up to this point, everything in my life was to make her happy (my boyfriend, my grades) except a tattoo and belly button piercing that she greatly disapproved of. I found myself asking if her happiness was enough of a reason for me to do, or not do something. Nope, it was time to start living for me.
Over and over I've heard that the choices I make right now will impact the rest of my life...but isn't that true at any age? and should that stop me from making decisions?

Just b/c you are alone doesn't mean you have to be sad

This one was learned the hard way. Shortly after graduating, I went through a period of feeling absolutely alone and really depressed about it. But then a confrontation about my behavior spurred me to adjust my perspective. There are lots of things that I like to do on my own, things that make me happy. Like looking for my apartment that I'm going to move into in September, looking for a fun summer job to earn a little money, or making plans with friends so that I have something to look forward to all the time. Getting busy is the best way to combat feeling sad from being alone. Staying busy helped me not drive away the person I care for the most. 

You don't NEED to be jealous, so don't

I am now in a new relationship with the man I mentioned earlier. He is good for me in a lot of ways. He helped me overcome my need to make my parents happy. After all, I am a grown ass woman. He is unique in that he doesn't get jealous over me. No matter what I did while we were seeing each other early on, he kept trying to make me happy. And in return, now I want to make him happy. His lack of jealousy upset me at first because I thought it meant he did not really like me, but it turns out, he was letting me discover what I want. And as it turns out, I want someone who wants to make me happy.
So I have great respect for him. I don't need to be jealous that he spends time with other people or that he likes to play video games. Its what makes him happy and I want him to be happy. I would hate for him to lose a single friend because of me.

You shouldn't lose your friends because you are now in a relationship

This is a big one. a HUGE one. I've seen this happen with some of my closest friends (ex-closest friends). It even happened in my long term relationship. My ex lost most of his friends when we got together...and it's not because I forced him to stop seeing them, its just that they weren't a priority to him anymore. I make a special effort to see my friends regardless of whether or not I'm in a relationship. That's how I kept most of my friends. It is tempting to blame your bf/gf for your loss of friends, but it's really your own decision whether you want to invest in those  friendships still. Relationships come and go, no matter how much you want to believe that you've found the one. The fact is, one person cannot provide you with EVERYTHING that you need emotionally. And when you need advice, it's important to have a pool of people instead of just one person. Main point: friends are important. 

The people who care about you, show up

It sucks when friends bail on plans. It's probably the single most upsetting thing to me in friendships. I've let go of a good friend who stood me up one too many times. I'd rather invest my time and plan things with people who will actually make seeing me a priority and show up. Once you find someone who is that good friend and consistently shows up, its the best feeling. Good friends are rare, but they're worth the search. 

I've learned that I want to be with someone who treats me like a princess and makes me happy

This is where the experience with revisiting my first ex comes into play. We started talking right after my break up. He is the type of guy that knows how to get the ladies. He's always in love with someone new and always "re-inventing" himself. When I was 15, I had been forbidden to see him, so now that I am a grown ass woman, I wanted to see if there was anything between us. Why was I so head over heels in love with him when I was 15? Turns out, his first concern was not making me happy, or even getting me to like him. I don't know what his goal is, but he has a way of making me feel like shit. Right then and there I knew this guy will never be the one for me and that its really important to me to be with someone who sees my value, and wants to make me happy. Genuinely happy. Lucky for me, this man who makes me happy had been under my nose the entire time. 

I am responsible for my own happiness 

Near the end of my relationship, my ex said that he felt like I was trying to change everything about him. And it was true. I guess I had the thought that if I could just mold him into the perfect guy, then I'd be happy. So many things about him bothered me and I wasn't happy being with him. We were comfortable in our long term relationship, but not happy (at least I wasn't). Some wise guidance helped me see that if this relationship wasn't going to fulfill me long term, then it's time to end it. So now, I don't blame anyone else for my level of happiness, or lack of happiness. 

If you can run for 90 seconds straight, you can run a half marathon, or even a full marathon. 

Changing topic just a little, but not entirely. Tackling something that I once thought was impossible is one of the most rewarding experiences. I've learned that I have more endurance, commitment, and drive than I ever knew. It is also a humbling experience, because while I may be faster than some, there is always someone in front of me, winning the race. I have always been goal oriented: grades, career, etc. But my personal goal of running a marathon has probably taught me more about myself than any other goals. A quote I love: "The miracle isn't that I finished, it's that I had the courage to begin." 

Honestly, I never thought I'd be a runner. Running sucks. It's hot, you get sweaty, sometimes cramps, and blisters! Oh the blisters! But if I can train for a marathon, anyone can. My sister's favorite quote: "You do have what it takes to run a marathon and change your life." 

My next goal is a triathlon. Gonna start training as soon as I finish my first marathon on June 2. 

Modesty is Misogynistic

I was scrolling through my facebook feed today when I saw one of the most offensive posts I've seen in a long time. Posted by a Christian woman, was a link to a blog about modesty. The title of the post is "how can you be a lady without being modest?" the essence of this post referred to Matthew 5:28 "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."
The blog post took the blame of this "adultery in his heart" and placed it on the woman. If the woman hadn't been wearing that short skirt, maybe the man would have been able to control himself. The thought here is that women are responsible for the sins of men. This is the same thought process that blames rape victims for their own rape. "If she hadn't been dressed that way, then he wouldn't have raped her." Am I the only one who believes that people are accountable for their own actions and intentions of their heart?
A related thought also came up in conversation today. The thought is that women who dress immodestly intend to attract attention from men. Personally, I dress in what I like to wear. I don't get dressed with random male strangers in mind. If my body looks good in a short dress, why shouldn't I wear a short dress? Do I really need to censor my clothing choices based on how men may react? And furthermore, if a woman's attire attracts attention from men, she is not therefore responsible for his actions.