When you become a mother, your life changes. That's obvious. What I didn't expect was the strength I'd gain as a result of being a mom. Moms are SUPER strong. I realized this phenomenon about 20 weeks into my pregnancy when I held my little nephew (friend nephew) for the first time in a while and he was HEAVY. His mom was carting him around like it was NBD. I was like, "What?! I'm going to have to start lifting weights!"
False- you don't have to lift weights. Carrying a baby around is *child's play* compared to the kind of strength I later found out you need to be a mom.
The morning after I gave birth to my gorgeous, healthy, apgar-score of 9.5 baby girl, I learned that a pregnant woman I had recently befriended and was due the same week I was... had lost her baby. Suddenly, my bliss was shattered in heartbreak for this woman. I couldn't help but look at my shockingly blessed life and wonder "what gives me the right?" I was wracked with guilt and began living my life in a state of paranoia - "Will I lose my baby?" Following some postpartum scary health symptoms of my own, I began to wonder, "Will my baby lose me?" "If my baby or I fall asleep tonight, will we wake up?"
Cue something approaching a mental break - something approaching an existential crisis. Scratch that. I just Google'd it, and it was an actual existential crisis. Death was constantly on my mind. The truth or myth of an afterlife was something I meditated on daily. The very existence or purpose of my life was called into question. What is life? What is death? Who is God? If I die tonight, will I go to heaven? If my baby dies tonight, what will happen to her... or to me?
I mean, it got to the point that I was having full-blown panic attacks. Literally. My doctor sent me to a psychiatrist.
At this point, I feel like the Holy Spirit came to me and said, "Do you have faith?" and I said, "Do I?"
In Sunday School I learned that faith is putting your belief and trust into something that you can't prove. I put faith into things all the time - I have faith that if I get on the train in the morning, it will get me to my office *mostly* unharmed. There are a ton of examples, but the most important implementation of faith is ... saving faith. Do I have the kind of faith that will get me into heaven if I die in my sleep tonight?
To that, Holy Spirit said "Do you know me?" I said "yes?" And then He said "Let me take care of your life."
And then I realized that God is good. All the time. God is good when he blesses me with a loving family and a beautiful child, and He's still good even if they are taken from me. There are things in my life I simply cannot control - whether I live or die, whether my child lives or dies. I must have faith that God is good no matter the path my life takes, and that He is worthy to be in charge.
And that is how I started being able to go to sleep at night.
So yeah, anyway - I can also do actual push ups for the first time in my life, too.
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